The Way I Really Feel
by Lazuli the Fallen Angel
Summary: Shane makes a storyline become real life when he finally tells Vince how he really feels. Warning: There is some mention of suicidal behavior; just letting you know. Some of the lines I took from Shane's debut on Raw in 1998. Please R


Shane McMahon was in the ring staring at his father; who was sitting in a wheelchair at the top of the ramp. He had just told his father how he felt. He actually made Vince cry.

"What's this? You're crying. What happened to the ruthless Vincent Kennedy McMahon! Where's the man who only cares about daddy's little girl? I never meant anything to you! You never cared about me, you never respected me! I always went unnoticed, unappreciated, unwanted!" Shane yelled.

"That's not true! I always cared about you and I still do!" Vince said trying to make his son see the truth.

"NO! Don't lie to me! All I ever wanted to hear you say was you where proud of me! But now I figured it out; I don't matter. It was never about me! Never about what I wanted! It was always about you; what you wanted, how I made you look!" Shane yelled. "People always ask me 'what is it like to be Vince McMahon's son?' Well, I'm tired of lying! Tired of defending our family name!"

"Shane-O-"

"DO NOT CALL ME THAT!" Shane screamed.

"I have always called you that; ever since you where little." Vince said staring at his son wide eyed.

"It doesn't matter! I'm not your little boy anymore! I am my own person; I am proud of who I have become!" Shane said.

Vince was proud of his son for finally standing up for himself, but he was also angry because Shane wasn't listening to him.

"Shane, I am proud of you! I have never been more proud of you then right now!"

"You're only saying that! I've heard people all my life tell me the reason you where always on the road, when I was little, because I was a disgrace or a disappointment. Then you would come home and anything I tried to do for you went unnoticed or unappreciated! A kid tends to believe everything they are told at a young age!" Shane had had enough of his father not caring, ignoring him, and pushing him aside all of his life. Now he was going to do something about it.

"Shane, please, you are always going to be my little boy-"

"I KNOW! I can never, ever change that! You have no idea how much I wish I could!"

"You think it is that bad in this family; you would wish for another?"

"Of course! You always showered Stephanie! You gave her anything she wanted! You would take her side even if it was her fault!" Shane yelled into the mic.

"Shane, I do not favor Steph over you." Vince said calmly.

"Yes! You do; she's daddy's little girl. THE BILLION DOLLAR FUCKING PRINCESS!" Vince stared at his son.

'Where's all this emotion coming from?' Vince thought. "Shane, listen; I love you both Steph and you the same. I have never favored Stephanie over you."

"Yes, you have!"

"Tell me when! Name me one time!"

"It happened all the time when we where kids. We would fight, you would side with her when it was her fault, and I would be punished! My grades where never good enough for you! I could never do anything right for you! You always spoiled Stephanie! Well, guess what? I'm done." Shane said.

"Done? Done what?" Vince asked.

"I'm done trying to prove myself to you. I'm done trying to get your attention. I'm done bending over backwards for you. I'm done being a McMahon!" Shane blurted out something he wish he never said.

Shane felt hurt, ignored, and neglected, but he never wanted to stop being a McMahon. He got to do things no one else could get away with. He was able to come up with storylines, he was able to be involved in them, he even got to make money for the company. But most of all Shane was happy he got to work with his little sister, mother, and father. He was proud to be a McMahon.

"That's how you feel?" Vince asked.

'Am I really going to do this?' Shane asked himself. "Yes."

'I guess I am.' Shane mentally answered his question.

Vince couldn't help, but think this was how Shane really felt. The boy could be depressed sometimes, but if he felt like this he would tell Vince…right?

"Okay. Then you are no longer a McMahon! You are no longer Vice President; you are a lowly referee! I am no longer your father and you are no longer my son!" Vince watched as Shane nodded.

He dropped the mic and went backstage. He waited for his son to some through the curtain so they could have a real talk. Shane walked through the curtain a few seconds later.

"Shane-O, can I talk to you?"

"Yeah, dad. What can I do for you?" Shane asked with a smile on his face.

"Is that how you really feel?"

"I don't understand." Shane said confused.

"Outside of the storyline; do you feel that way? Do you think I treat Stephanie better then you?"

"No. Dad I know you love us both the same." Vince knew Shane was lying. He could see it in Shane's eyes. His eyes always gave him away; even when he was hiding his emotions from his friends and family.

"You're lying, Shane."

"No, I'm not. I know you love both me and Steph the same. I know you do your best to treat us the same." Shane should not have said that. Shane mentally cursed himself. 'Now I'm going to get it.' Shane thought.

"What do you mean? 'I try my best to treat you and Steph the same?'" Vince asked.

"I don't know what you mean?" Shane lied.

"You're lying to me, Shane."

"No, dad, I'm not. Why would I lie to you?" Shane asked.

"Because you do not want me to know the truth."

"Truth about what?"

"Shane! Stop this! Please tell me how you really feel!"

"I feel like you ignore me! You treat Steph better then me! I was invisible! I always am! You never cared about me! My actions always went unnoticed, unappreciated, unrewarded! All of you ignore me! Mom, Steph, you! At one point last year I thought about killing myself…" Shane saw the horrified look on Vince's face.

"Shane, please tell me you are joking." Shane shook his head no and rolled up his left sleeve. Vince saw about five scars on Shane's upper arm.

"I chickened out each time. I could never muster up enough courage to slit my own wrists!"

"Shane, why did you stop? You did stop right?" Shane nodded and Vince let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. "Who talked you out of it?" Vince asked.

Whoever this person was, even if he didn't know them, he was grateful. "Austin." Shane mumbled.

"Excuse me?"

"Steve Austin! Stone Cold; Stone Cold Steve Austin!" Shane yelled.

"He helped you?" Shane nodded. "Why didn't he tell me? Why didn't you tell me?"

"I asked Austin not to tell you. I didn't tell you because you wouldn't listen."

"Shane, you think I would not have listened if you told me you where suicidal! You don't think I would have wanted to help! You don't think I would have car-"

"I know you would not have cared! If you did you would not have ignored me or neglected our relationship! You only care about yourself; Stephanie is just like you! You two only care about nemuro oun!" By now Shane had tears rolling down his face.

Vince could not think of anything to say to comfort his son. 'How could I let this happen?' Vince thought as he pulled his son into a hug

"Shane, I am so sorry! I had no idea you felt that way. Why didn't you confront me sooner about it?"

"Because I knew making it a storyline was the only way you would understand how I felt."

"You have a point there. How about-"

"Hey, daddy!" Stephanie said as she approached her father and older brother.

"What can we do for you, Steph?" Shane asked trying to hide his uneasiness.

"I need dad's help with something. If you don't mind."

"No. Dad you can go help Steph with her problem."

"You're sure, Shane?"

"Yeah, dad, I'm fine. Go ahead."

Vince nodded and before he turned to go with Stephanie he could see the hurt in Shane's eyes. Before Vince could say anything Shane walked away.

"So, princess, what can I help you with? Vince asked trying not to worry about his son.

"Nothing really. I wanted to see if you wanna grab something to eat."

"You saw me talking to your brother! That couldn't wait till later!" Vince was furious; how could he let Shane leave? Why did he always do what Stephanie asked him to? This needed to stop now. He needed to find Shane.

"Why are you mad? I thought you would want to spend your time with your favorite rather then boring old Shane."

Vince was dumbfounded. "You don't get it do you? Your brother, boring old Shane, is feeling unloved and unwanted in this family!" Vince yelled.

"He's just trying to get attention." Stephanie shot back.

"Yes! That is exactly what he is doing! He is shoved into the back round way to often! Your older brother tried to kill himself last year! If it wasn't for Austin he might have!"

Stephanie rolled her eyes not believing her father. She thought he was stringing her along, that all of this was one big joke. But when she looked her father in the eyes and saw worry, anger, and concern she knew he was joking.

"You're no-not joking?"

"No, Steph, I'm not. He felt so depressed he thought that was the only way out. It was because your mom, you, and me ignore Shane and don't pay attention to him."

"Who stopped him?"

"Steven Austin. He saved your brother, but I fear that will all go to waist now." Vince said with tears in his eyes.

"Should I call mom and ask her if she has seen him."

Vince wasn't sure he wanted Linda to know what was going on with Shane. She would want to make him feel better, but she might just overwhelm him and make him feel worse. Or if he did not tell her and something where to happen she would never forgive him.

"Yes, call your mother…she would never forgive me if something did happen to your brother." Stephanie nodded and went to call her mother.

Vince decided if he was going to look for Shane he would try Austin's dressing room. He figured Austin was there for Shane once he would be able to help him again. Problem was what would happen this time around now that Vince knew Shane was suicidal? He knocked on Austin's dressing room door.

"Yeah. Oh, Vince, what do you want?" Austin asked surprised.

"Have you seen Shane? I think he is going to take his own life again, but this time he may actually do it."

"He told you about the first time?" Austin asked shocked. Vince nodded.

"How did you stop him the first time?"

"Honestly, I listened to what he had to say and told him anytime he needed to talk I would be there to listen to him. But recently I have been really busy and he seems more depressed then the first time. Do you know where he is?"

"No. I was hoping he would be with you."

"Maybe he went to his dressing room." Austin said.

Steve and Vince both went to Shane's dressing room and saw the door was slightly open. Vince opened it slowly and was afraid of what he would find. Would Shane be okay? Would he find his son dead on the floor with blood flowing from his slashed wrists? Would he find nothing?

When Vince opened the door he saw Shane sitting in the corner of the room with his knees drawn up to his chest, rocking back and forth. He was hitting himself in the head and pulling at his short black hair muttering, "Stupid, stupid, stupid! Stupid worthless idiot!" over and over and over. Vince also noticed there was blood on Shane's right wrist.

"Shane, hey, could you look at me for a second?" Austin asked as he kneeled in front of Shane. Shane did as he was asked. Austin saw the inner turmoil Shane was going to and his heart went out to the boy. The boy was only twenty eight, but he had been through so much and he was starting to shut down.

"What do you want?" Shane snapped. He moved away from Austin and the bloody knife he was holding in his lap fell to the floor. Shane hurried to pick it up before Vince or Austin had time to grab it.

"Shane, give me the knife." Vince demanded. Shane shook his head and held the knife to his throat.

"Shane, give me the-"

"SHUT UP!" Shane screamed.

"Shane, what happened? I thought we had been over this." Austin said calmly.

"H-Him!" Shane said pointing at his father.

"What did he do?"

"He said he was sorry for everything! Then he ignored me when Stephanie came along!"

"Shane, I already had a talk with your sister. She had nothing important for me to help her with. The minute I knew this I was looking for you. Shane I truly meant it when I said I was sorry for putting you through all that."

"I-I-I cant believe you."

"Shane, sweetie, what are you doing?" Linda asked shocked from the doorway. Stephanie came up behind her mother and gasped when she saw the sight before her.

"M-Mom, wh-why are y-you here?" Shane stuttered.

"Steph called me and she asked me where you were. She sounded very worried and I came down here right away to help her look for you. Could you please lower the knife away from your throat?" Shane slowly moved the knife away from his throat, but when Linda took a step forward he put it right back in place.

"Don't come closer!"

"Shane-O, we just want to help you. Will you let us do that?" Vince asked.

"Shane, please…don't do this. I'm sorry for everything! I didn't mean for it to seem like dad liked me more then you! Please don't do this! I love you! I don't want to see you hurt! I surly don't want you dead either!" Stephanie cried.

"Y-You mean i-it?"

"Yes, Shane. Mom and dad feel the same way. Please believe me."

"I-I do." Shane said as he dropped the knife on the ground. Austin grabbed it and Vince enveloped Shane into a hug. "I-I-I'm s-sorry!" Shane cried.

"Shane, it's okay. No one got hurt. Everything will be okay." Linda said as she hugged her son.

"I-I-I did c-cut m-my wrist." Shane whispered.

Vince broke off the hug and grabbed Shane's wrist. Shane flinched and tried to wrestle his wrist free from his fathers grasp. He was unsuccessful. "Shane, I'm not going to hurt you. I just want to look, okay?"

Shane nodded. Vince pulled his sleeve up to reveal a long gash right above Shane's wrist. It looked like Shane had chickened out at the last second. Vince thanked God that his son had come to his senses and now they where able to help him. Vince got up and went through Shane's bag and found gauze tape he could put around the wound until they could have it looked at. He also found an empty bottle of anti-depressant pills. Shane had run out of them about two months ago and never refilled them.

"Shane, why do you have these?" Vince asked as he kneeled in front of his son. He showed him the bottled.

"Because I need them." Shane said. He sounded scared and Vince didn't want to push him. He set the bottle down and wrapped Shane's wrist. "I thought I didn't need them anymore. I thought I could handle it again."

"Handle what, sweetie?" Linda asked.

"Being ignored by everyone again. I guess I was wrong…"

"Shane, we didn't mean for that to happen. From now if you need to talk just tell us. If we don't listen I give you full permission to use force so we will listen. But I don't that will happen because we all will remember this day. It was the day I almost lost my only son and it was because I was to stupid to realize what I was doing." Vince said with tears in his eyes.

Shane did the only think he could think of and hugged his father. It was strange that he was comforting his father after everything that just happened, but Shane didn't question it. He was happy his family was going to take the time to pay attention to him and give him the time of day. Maybe if he told his family about the first time none of this would have happened. But in a weird way Shane was glad it did happen. It showed his family how unfair they where being toward him and he was able to change it.


End file.
